Moving forward. Another step closer.

Moving time is upon the Schulz family once again. Scored a trailer for the move thanks to Mr.S's coworker which will save us some money. Money. Its got me thinking back to last year at this time and how things were for us financially. Money, or at least the struggle of not having it is a topic I think most people, especially the poor and lower middle class are ashamed to talk about. Well, as we know I have no shame. Considering the majority of people in the US live paycheck to paycheck I think this will resonate with a good many. 

While Mr.S was in training last year for his new job over 200 miles away things were very difficult for us financially. I can not imagine the insurmountable stress my husband must have been under during this time. It was all riding on him. The stress of taking an entirely different road in life, money stress, passing his training and his mothers cancer diagnosis.

While we were overjoyed at the new opportunity and what it meant for us as a family we were still treading water, more realistically we were drowning. Only coming up every once in a while for frantic gasp of air. Holding on  to the better day on the horizon by the quick of our nail beds which were raw and bleeding. Its like being able to see the shore, or maybe its a mirage. No wait. its there. I can see it. Its a long way off, and I might drown trying to get there but Ill die trying. Does anyone know we are out here? Is a rescue boat on the way?

Zero income was coming in for nearly 2 months from his new employer. Not even the stipend amount he was given for food and fuel was available until almost 4 weeks into training.

No cushion to speak of. 

No savings.

No credit cards to max out. 

No rich family.

No way for me to get a job. No car. No family in town to watch the boys so I could work without the expense of childcare.

No programs for those in a transitional period. Or programs to assist with moving costs.

Nothing.

Zip.

Zilch.

Snake Eyes.

We were bust. We had nothing, but this new job and that was everything. 

John took our only vehicle over 200 miles M-F. Somehow he had to scrape enough money together to make it home Friday night and back Monday morning. I would pack his lunch for the week and send it with him in coolers to save money. He lived on PB&J and meat patties.

Behind in all the bills, trying to keep a roof over our heads and the lights on while simultaneously gathering First months rent, security and a moving van rental. My mother had abandoned us that previous fall when we proposed the idea of the boys and I moving in with her and splitting the cost of living as we knew what we would be facing in the coming year. So it was me and the boys at home, stranded with the exception of  the handful of times I had access to a vehicle via a gracious friend. 

I also got a taste of who our friends were in the nearly 2 decades we spent in the tri-citites by the number of visitors the boys and I were granted in those 10 weeks. Let me tell you something, its true what they say about the times when the chips are down. You look around to see who is present and you hold those people close. All 7 of them in our case.

I don't know how John managed to keep us treading water. I don't want to know all the ways. If he had feelings of self doubt. I didnt know it. If he was scared. I didnt know it. If he had negative self talk I didnt know it because he never complained. 

I know he had to humble and humiliate himself by asking his family and a few friends for money. Thinking of the shame I know that brought him has me ugly crying as I type this. I know he vowed to never be in this place again. I can tell you that the last year we have managed to stay afloat on a sinking inflatable while we look for the rescue boat that has been deployed. We are on top of the water, but using our hands to scoop out what is always present and accumulating in the bottom of our vessel. IOU's have come due and passed due. Ive intercepted some emails from those who assume we are in a position to repay. In retrospect we shouldn't have gone out for our ten year anniversary and spent that money but we did. Its not as if we are in the habit of frivolous spending.

Life doesn't always work out the way you plan. Life rarely, almost never does. The failed businesses. His fight career and injuries. The promises of opportunities that never panned out. The surprise of miracle babies you were never supposed to have. Back to school. Setting a new course for life.

We kept repeating a positive mantra at this time last year. We kept looking forward to what was in store for us. What other choice did we have but to keep our eye on the future? 

We will soon have health insurance. We will have a steady income! A 401k!  Its all right there within our grasp. We wont need SNAP ever again.Yes! We were on WELFARE. So every time one of you assholes would post some poor people hating BS on your FB I thought about how you were talking about us. We were the faces of welfare recipients in the US. The working poor. We qualified for WIC, SNAP and Medicaid, and you're damn right I took it. So allow me to personally thank you for your annual $40 contribution to government assistance programs. You should feel good about that.  

We could see the shore line between the crashing waves that were dragging us down. We would fight for the surface. Emerging for another gulp of precious air and ready ourselves to face another week. Asking the universe to bestow good fortune on us by making sure that our vehicle wouldn't break down. Something like that would be the equivalent to a cramp in open water. It would drown us for sure. 

This move we will be seeing a savings of $400 in our fixed expenses alone.  We will be 90 mins closer to Mr.S's parents. We've only been able to afford the expenses of that trip a total of 2 times in the year we've been here and my mother in law is not well. 30 minutes slashed off work commute. We wont have to swim for shore. The rescue boat will be picking us up. Raises, promotions and my graduation for school will have us landing on shore. My hopefulness in securing a state job once I have my license will be our toes burrowing in the warm sand. I can say that whatever life wants to throw at us now we can handle it. 

While this story might sound like a real downer or something we should feel shame about. I don't see it that way. I see it as a testament to what kind of human my husband is. I could show you dozens of emails to him from all the people who have given him thanks for helping them with achieving their goals or making them the person they are today. I know a police officer who would have never passed his fitness test if John wouldn't have helped him. I know business owners and criminals who he has helped to make successful. When it came time for that type of perseverance, he had to get that from himself. He had to be that person for himself. The drive this man exhibits has always been something that I deeply, deeply admire. I hope our children get that from their father. From his MMA career, to running his businesses (the failure of which were not solely of his own doing) training, coaching, his return to school and rise from ashes all of these things would have a lesser man in a heep on the floor.

 He is an alpha. 

One of our philosophies in parenting is to lead by example. There is much we can teach them through our own struggles. I hope to guide my sons to learn a trade as soon as they graduate if they aren't sure about a 4 year college."Dont be like me. Dont be in school still, at 40." Or do it but have that trade to fall back on. 

Winners aren't people who've never failed. They are people who failed and failed, struggled, clawed, climbed, fought and scratched their way towards what they wanted. They are the people who had to humble themselves and look into and often wear the face of humility and sometimes shame. They probably aren't the people that had a lot of shit handed to them. 

I dont write about my husband to brag about him or our relationship I write to remind myself of all that I have to be thankful for. I write to remind myself of all that rests on his shoulders. I write so that other people know they arent alone. In the Facebook world of the haves and have nots and false impressions you might begin to think youre the only one who has struggles. I write for the realness. I write because its easy for me to get caught up in the thinking of what I don't have and that mentality needs to be checked. I am so grateful for what the last few years have taught me. I am so grateful for what John has taught me. I am so grateful for the ability to make our lives better. I am so grateful to have met this man and to have him fighting the good fight for our family. I am so proud to call him my husband and the father of my children.